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The Insatiable Break Table

January 11, 2013

By Aaron Cheesman


A fascinating and little-understood creature that lives in the Wallrich Creative Commons is the Company Break Table. It is a truly extraordinary beast. The digestive tract of the break table is a highly complex miracle of evolution. The secret to its astounding efficiency is an eerie symbiosis with surrounding organisms.

When the table’s finely tuned senses detect edible content upon its surface, it sends out a powerful signal—by pheromone, email or both—summoning the Wallrich horde. Instantly, the Pavlovian pack goes on the prowl, lurching and salivating profusely as it hungrily converges on the helpless dish. What happens next is incredibly fast and not for the faint of heart. Just as Amazonian piranha can strip a cow carcass in minutes, so does the Wallrich break table clear a plate of sweets.

The break table typically subsists on a diet of cakes, chocolates and cookies, but recently, we conducted an experiment to see whether the break table would refuse any item out of the ordinary.

We brought in a two-day-old family-size bag of honey wheat dinner rolls leftover from a potluck. No butter, no margarine. Just rolls. Our brave crew tiptoed into the break room, put the rolls on a serving platter, gently placed the platter on the break table, then darted behind a camouflaged duck blind to observe from a safe distance.

At first, nothing happened. The break table did not immediately recognize this item, but soon, familiarity did not seem to matter. Food is food, and this would have to do. Soon, the deadly sequence of distributed digestion was initiated.

Just a short time later, we managed to capture a photograph of the last remaining morsel before it was hungrily snatched by a ravenous designer.

The omnivorous Company Break Table… Another curious creature in the fascinating world of the Wild Wallrich Workplace. Tune in next week when we examine the bizarre courtship rituals of the new business director.

The Insatiable Break Table



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